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Friday, 26 December 2008

People say smoking is a choice. But if you’re addicted to something, doesn’t that rule o

The "Truth" movement is nothing but bullshit propaganda, Someone high in the ranks of conservative government obviously doesn't like the idea of someone making money off paper and tabacco - So they'd rather see everyone suffer as much as them.

Everyone has the choice to atleast try to smoke. Cigarettes are not a hardcore drug where you try it once and you're hooked - Fuck, First time I tried - I hated it, I smoked cigars instead - I gradually moved on to cigarettes and then to menthol cigarettes.

Quit brainwashing the youth with your bullshit from the boobtube, kthanks.
10 reasons why I hate christmas.

It's beginning to look a lot like Hell...uh, I mean Christmas. Every year around this time, I spiral into a bottomless pit of anger and depression. Here's why.

(1) CHRISTMAS CARDS

Nothing says "I don't really give a fuck about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Far worse is the Christmas newsletter: "Hi, I can't be bothered to write each of you a personal letter, so here's a computer-printed newsletter to brief you on my boring year." Also on the Rob shit-list: cutesy family Christmas cards with the whole family posing on the front; Christmas Create-a-Cards; and Christmas e-mail postcards. And if anyone e-mails me a snowball this year, I will track them down and do interesting things to them with a fork.

(2) CHRISTMAS TREES

At our house, we have the same artificial tree we've had since I was a baby. And these days, you can buy an artificial tree that looks exactly like a real one. So why buy a real one? For the pine scent? (Go out and sniff a pine cone, asshole.) For the joy of vacuuming pine needles off the rug every day? What?? I don't get it. And then, after New Year's Day, you see the most depressing thing ever: all the dead, rejected trees sitting out on the sidewalk, waiting to be taken to the dump. Mutilate a living thing, take it home, hang shit on it, then kick it to the curb: That's everything evil about America in a nutshell.

(3) CHRISTMAS PARTIES

Especially work-related. My Christmas party this year comes after a 9-to-6 day for me. After such a day, I want to go home and be alone. I don't want to hang with the same people I've been looking at all day. Then every year there's some sort of idiotic theme to the gift-giving (more on that later). Last year everyone had to write a poem, which was kind of cool; I can handle that. This year, though, everyone had to buy something red. (I was going to give a vial of my own blood, but I didn't think that would go over.) Question: If the point of these wingdings is to enjoy each other's company, why not just forget the gifts?

(4) CHRISTMAS GREED

This time of year is when you start overhearing the little brats screaming to their parents that they want the toy du jour -- this year, of course, it's a Furby. Parents are caught in a cruel bind: They can't very well say "Sorry, kids, Furbys are expensive and hard to find," because then the little shits will just ask Santa for one. So the parents pretty much have to pay through the nose for a Furby. Christmas is one compelling reason not to have kids unless you're Jewish or some other religion that doesn't celebrate Christmas, like Wicca.

(5) CHRISTMAS CAROLS

Ken Souza, who shares my hatred of Xmas music, swears by the three TWISTED CHRISTMAS discs -- and from the tracks we've all heard on the radio, they're pretty damn funny. I also like Kyle's "A Lonely Jew on Christmas," Cartman's cattle-prod rendition of "O Holy Night," Tom Lehrer's "A Christmas Carol" (quoted above), Run-DMC's "Christmas in Hollis," Bob and Doug MacKenzie's "12 Days of Christmas" ("On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me -- a beer"), and the Kinks' "Father Christmas." And I always welcome Adam Sandler's two Chanukah songs. As for the other muzak, I'm all for dumping it into a large hole, setting it on fire, and pissing out the flames.

(6) CHRISTMAS MOVIES

I only recognize two Christmas movies: SCROOGED (for Bill Murray) and ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS (for sick laughs). Then there are the Xmas horror flicks, like BLACK CHRISTMAS (which John Carpenter clearly saw before making HALLOWEEN), CHRISTMAS EVIL (a favorite of John Waters), SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, and JACK FROST (the one about the killer snowman, not the Michael Keaton one). Everything else, I can live without -- even IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, though it features my favorite actor, Jimmy Stewart. Then there's A CHRISTMAS STORY. (Okay, I can only speak for myself here, because I am definitely in the minority on A CHRISTMAS STORY, which everyone else on the planet adores, and which I loathe with the intensity of a laser beam. There's, like, one good scene -- the visit to Santa -- but everything else in the movie, I despise, beginning with Jean Shepherd's annoying, ineptly written narration: "My fevered brain seethed with the effort of trying to come up with the infinitely subtle devices necessary to implant the Red Ryder Range Model Air Rifle indelibly into my parents' subsconscious!" Mr. Shepherd, meet Mr. Strunk and Mr. White.) As for Xmas specials, there's A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS and MR. MAGOO'S CHRISTMAS CAROL, which I haven't seen in years. Everything else? Yawn.

(7) A CHRISTMAS CAROL

There are several good modern variations on it (see above), but you know what? Dickens' perennial fable of redemption is the granddaddy of a thousand lame movies: REGARDING HENRY, THE DOCTOR, LIFE STINKS (a lot of them seemed to come out around the same time), dozens of others -- they're ALL basically the Scrooge story: Mean person learns to be nice. Or the '90s version: Busy dad learns to spend more time with the kids. Yes, the working dad has become the Scrooge of the '90s -- witness HOOK, LIAR LIAR, and JACK FROST, to name but three.

(8) CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

The insanity begins the day after Thanksgiving, when anyone with two brain cells to rub together will stay the hell away from anything resembling a retail store. Somehow, though, the idiots come out in force every year. And there's no let-up until at least the second week of January, because even after Christmas, people return their shitty gifts (see below). And it's not as if the Christmas shopping season begins in November: you start seeing Christmas commercials and store decorations as early as October. Which brings me to...

(9) CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS (EARLY-BIRDS)

The only thing worse than the moron who waits until December 24 to do all his or her Christmas shopping is the smug bitch who has all her shopping done by July. That's not misogynist: It's always women who shop this far in advance. (Name three guys who have their shopping done before December.) Now, so as not to irk those (women) who conscientiously buy their Christmas gifts a little at a time during the year: I am speaking here of the ones who can't resist telling you, "Oh, I got all my shopping done before July." In other words: It's fine by me if they do it; I just don't want to hear it. Because it makes me want to divide such people into 17 asymmetrical pieces. So for those people, some advice: If the topic comes up ... lie. Claim that you're even farther behind on your shopping than the rest of us. That's the best gift you can give your friends.

(10) CHRISTMAS GIFTS

The whole giving-and-getting thing: ick. When you exchange gifts with someone, you feel bad if the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you; you also feel bad if it's the reverse. "Wow, a DVD player! Uh ... thanks ... I got you a bag of chips." You calculate just how much to spend on each person, which means you're basically putting a price on your love. How much is Mom worth? $150? $200? How about your cousin? One great reason to stay away from romance is the agonizing over what to get your boy/girlfriend that first Christmas. And what to get his/her parents, siblings, etc....And of course he/she (usually she) will say, "You don't have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas together." This, let me tell you, is horseshit.
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Happy Holidays, Now Fuck Off.

Oh man, fuck Christmas.

Seriously – are you kidding me with this "There's a war on Christmas" bullshit? FOX News wasn't raking in enough cash already from all the Christmas commercials for Kill 'em All Barbie and Girls Gone Wild Brand Toddler Gear? They had to start publishing books about some bogus attack on Christianity? And who did they pick to lead this particular charge?

John fucking Gibson. This guy has wiener written all over him.

Bill O'Reilly gets all the credit as the biggest nutcase in FOXville, but Gibson really deserves his own special wing in the happy house. This motherfucker's embedded assignment reads "Up Karl Rove's ass."

What makes him such a dick? I mean, besides making a fortune by screaming hysterically about how oppressed Christians are by the other twenty percent? How about advocating bombing countries that don't vote the way we want in their own elections? Way to encourage democracy, fuckhead. And maybe he was kidding when he wished, on air, that the French had gotten the 2012 Olympics instead of the Brits so the terrorists would "blow up Paris," but it might have been just a touch over the top to call for it again on the day of the London train bombings. Classy move, asshole.

And really? That's just scratching the fucking surface. Anyone remember who was responsible for the bombing of the Federal building in Oklahoma City? John does: Iraq. And speaking of Iraq, Gibson thinks Rove deserves a fucking medal for outing that CIA agent. And, like any good reporter, he wanted to burn the Florida ballots after his buddy Bush got "elected" rather than, I don't know, count them? "Is this a case where knowing the facts actually would be worse than not knowing?" That right there is why sometimes it's useful for journalists to go to, what do you call that fucking place? Oh yeah, journalism school.

And now he's all worked up about Christmas being stolen. What is this, the fucking Fairytale Network? It's a national fucking holiday and we're spending gobs of our hard-earned tax dollars on wreaths and lights for your special Santa day. But these bastards are all "But they call them Holiday trees!" Here's a clue: no, they fucking don't. Ok, maybe in a couple places, like on FOXNews.com and at the White House, but if Christmas is under attack, I'm Kris fucking Kringle.

And guess who's stealing Christmas, according to Gibson. Go on — guess. "A cabal of secularists, so-called humanists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, and liberal, guilt-wracked Christians — not just Jewish people." (Emphasis mine. Pure, unadulterated anti-semitism, his.) A cabal? Are you fucking kidding me? Could we try to be a little more fucking original with our Jew-hating?

Speaking of Jew-hating, Pat Buchanan has joined the hype-a-thon of the supposed Attack on Christmas, too. Or, as he put it, "What we're witnessing here are hate crimes against Christianity." Sorry? We're not so hot on paying for an inflatable camel for your goddamn nativity scene and suddenly we're Slobodan fucking Milosevic? Fuck you. Get some goddamn perspective, you little prick. When they start hunting Christians in the streets, it'll be time to start yelling "Hate crime." And no, it won't count when they start chasing you with the torches. That'll be called "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

And Bill O'Reilly, Gibson's cellmate in the silly shack, is doing his part to save Christmas, too. He's been going after New York's Mayor Bloomberg (that Commie) because he says the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center has been renamed a "Holiday Tree," and "No Christian Christmas symbols are allowed in the public schools." The only problem? Neither of those things is even remotely fucking true.

It takes some super-sized balls for O'Reilly to get all lathered up about sinners and their fictional anti-Christian crusade. Every fucking person on the planet has hard and fast evidence that Bill is a world-class pervert, but still he feels totally justified lecturing the rest of us on our moral inferiority.

How fucked up is Bill O'Reilly? Pretty fucked up. Everyone got so crazyfaced about him confusing a sponge and a Middle Eastern snackcake (pretty fucking funny, mind you), that they missed the scary bit: what he meant to say. Old Bill wanted to get all funky on his intern like this: (you'll excuse my foul language, I'm quoting an award-winning newscaster here) "I'd take the other hand with the [loofah] thing and put it on your pussy."

loofah (lū'fə) noun. A natural exfoliating sponge.

exfoliate (ĕks-fō'lē-āt') verb. To remove (a layer of bark or skin, for example) in flakes or scales; peel.

That's right. Bill O'Reilly, fount of morals, is super familiar with the female anatomy. So much so, that he knows how good it feels to have one's pussy exfoliated. We're talking h – o – t, Hot. That's exactly who I'm going to for my life lessons.

Sorry, where were we? Oh yeah, fuck Christmas.

Can we back up just a couple steps here? At what point did a basic understanding of the separation of church and state become a fucking war on religion? And how did we get to the point where you can call an organization set up to defend our civil liberties "Terrorists" on national television and no one fires your ass? Enough. Fuck all of you lying little shitheads who wish the world was out to get you so you could play the poor oppressed victims. Wake up assholes — you're the cowboys, not the fucking Indians.

"But we want to display our Christmas tree on city property!" You can, go right ahead. "They're stopping us from praying in school!" They're not, so fuck off. "We're not allowed to say 'Merry Christmas' anymore!" Are you fucking kidding me? Knock yourself out. Say it at work, scream it in your high school lunch room, hell, tattoo it on your fucking forehead for all we care. Guess who's gonna be there defending your right to do every one of those things? The fucking ACLU. One of these days you bastards are going to drive those fuckers out of business, and then you'll see some actual attacks on your religious liberties. I thought conservatives were supposed to be all proud and independent? When did they turn into a bunch of fucking crybabies?

Let's back up even fucking further, shall we? Can anyone tell me how old Christmas is? Anyone? Two thousand years, give or take, right? Gee, who's been reading their No Child Left Behind History Textbooks? Try fucking four thousand years. Huh. Twice as fucking long as your little baby king has been around. How could that possibly be, unless. . . waitaminute. . .

Christmas isn't fucking Christian. Ok, now we're talking.

That's right, that Yuletide cheer you're spreading? What exactly do you think Yule is? It's the fucking Pagan celebration of solstice. And those "Christmas" traditions? They're not just like Pagan rituals, they fucking are Pagan rituals. Way before your Jesus got all magical with the bread and fishes, the Romans were celebrating the birth of Mithra on . . . guess? Go on – guess. December fucking twenty fifth. What a weird coincidence. Practically the whole thing is ripped off from the fucking Druids and the Romans. Twelve days? Check. Exchanging gifts? Check. Mistletoe? Check. And you'd better fucking believe that those decorated trees that Gibson and Co. are so bent out of shape over are as Pagan as the Rune and Crystal Shack at Pentagramfest 2005. You might as well be building miniature fucking Stonehenges in your den.

And don't you read your own goddamn Bibles? Jesus was born when? In the middle of winter? Lot of Shepherds out watching their flocks around that time of year in Bethlehem? No, because they'd be freezing their fucking asses off. Tell you what – y'all go figure out which one of the different Bible stories about the birth of Baby Jesus® you want to believe, and then we'll argue about whether it fucking happened like that or not.

Christians just stole a bunch of traditions from other cultures, slapped them together, stuck a fucking tinfoil star on top and called it the Most Important Holiday of the Year. Modern American Christmas makes Michael Jackson look positively organic.

But you boys at FOX still freak out every year about how everyone's out to get your special trees. This is really the most important thing you have to talk about? Whether Target says Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas? Here's a brainstorm: there's a fucking war on. Our soldiers are out there dying while you guys do your 14th live feed of the day from WalMart to show us what good little consumers we are. What Would Jesus Do? He'd jump over that newsdesk and kick your ass for that shit. Are you sure you want to hang your journalism credentials on a story about what some guy calls a tree?

Well we've fucking had it. You want to play bullshit games and scream about how God's fucking judgment is gonna come raining down on us if we don't start watching our vocabulary? Go right the fuck ahead. But let me clue you in on something: fire and brimstone ain't no deterrent for us. We're not going to hell, assholes, we're fucking in hell. We live with you.

And fuck Easter too, you fertility–rite–celebrating, whiny, self-righteous, don't–know–the– history–of–your–own–religion assholes. Fuck off.